Tuesday, January 22, 2008Y
Im experiencing a number of 1st recently.
Feeling stress for the 1st time.
Admitting im stress for the 1st time.
Now, for the 1st time, i totally suck at my job. Its not a matter of giving pressure to myself or setting a standard too high for myself to achieve. But, i always feel that at least i m a cool and 'Zai' professional when it comes to my job. I take everything in stride. So why am i not performing fantastically in my current job? i mean the appraisal is just round the corner, beside to hit the target by financial closing, i myself don even feel that i have done an excellent job. why would my boss think otherwise.
I had 'sit-in' a 3 hrs meeting with the sales people today. It is my portfolio, but i am totally lost to what they are talking about. Nevermind that they start this 'cleaning up' excercise with the customer a year ago. This is not an excuse to not participating/contributing actively in the meeting. I m like "i feel so extra here and now!" 
I remembered when i start working in MBB, and tat was my 1st perm job, even initially i am a newbie to the job and in fact the society at large. I feel that i can take on anything. It didin take me long to master the skills actually. 2+ mths in my current job, i admit i am a sucker in this job.
Honestly, i would have prefer communicating with people directly, like what i have done previously. Has working in the finance too long make me a rigid n inflexible worker who needs (proper guidance/step by step procedures/spoonfeed) to work?
Anyway as i was telling eddie the other day, i don see myself working in this position for long. I guess i would have prefer a job that i always connect with people directly. Because at least the people will always be different and spontaneous.
Now, i have to think carefully my everyword that i put into the email. I have to think/analyze everyword and move i make. My boss say this is one way to progress to a higher post and gain exposure. I totally agree. But then again, is this what i prefer doing? Esp i realized that i sucks at managing people. Because i feel that if the employee refuse to be responsible for their own action, why do i have to be concern abt it? (esp if its done for no apparent reason, other than they jus feel like doin it)
I guess it may due to being a female + young + looking kiddish = that generally people just think they can climb onto my head and pee. Being easy-going do not mean i have no mind of my own, am i right to say this?!!!
So mayb i should stop being 'nice' and show them my true colors? hmmm...
... ARRRRGGGHHHH..... 
8:34 PM
