Welcome to my dumping-ground

Im experiencing a number of 1st recently.

Feeling stress for the 1st time.

Admitting im stress for the 1st time.

Now, for the 1st time, i totally suck at my job. Its not a matter of giving pressure to myself or setting a standard too high for myself to achieve. But, i always feel that at least i m a cool and 'Zai' professional when it comes to my job. I take everything in stride. So why am i not performing fantastically in my current job? i mean the appraisal is just round the corner, beside to hit the target by financial closing, i myself don even feel that i have done an excellent job. why would my boss think otherwise.

I had 'sit-in' a 3 hrs meeting with the sales people today. It is my portfolio, but i am totally lost to what they are talking about. Nevermind that they start this 'cleaning up' excercise with the customer a year ago. This is not an excuse to not participating/contributing actively in the meeting. I m like "i feel so extra here and now!"

I remembered when i start working in MBB, and tat was my 1st perm job, even initially i am a newbie to the job and in fact the society at large. I feel that i can take on anything. It didin take me long to master the skills actually. 2+ mths in my current job, i admit i am a sucker in this job.

Honestly, i would have prefer communicating with people directly, like what i have done previously. Has working in the finance too long make me a rigid n inflexible worker who needs (proper guidance/step by step procedures/spoonfeed) to work?

Anyway as i was telling eddie the other day, i don see myself working in this position for long. I guess i would have prefer a job that i always connect with people directly. Because at least the people will always be different and spontaneous.

Now, i have to think carefully my everyword that i put into the email. I have to think/analyze everyword and move i make. My boss say this is one way to progress to a higher post and gain exposure. I totally agree. But then again, is this what i prefer doing? Esp i realized that i sucks at managing people. Because i feel that if the employee refuse to be responsible for their own action, why do i have to be concern abt it? (esp if its done for no apparent reason, other than they jus feel like doin it)

I guess it may due to being a female + young + looking kiddish = that generally people just think they can climb onto my head and pee. Being easy-going do not mean i have no mind of my own, am i right to say this?!!!

So mayb i should stop being 'nice' and show them my true colors? hmmm...

... ARRRRGGGHHHH.....

Look! This is our so call 'Engagement' rings. Bought it in this shop call Fjord. Saw this ring some time back, but the smallest size could not fit into my ring finger~
But since then i could not get over this ring. Because its so unique!!
The centre band is actually made of blue marble (thats wat the retailer said), so at closer look,
its shades of navy blue. Anyway, i told mq tat, im going to buy it even if it don fit any of my fingers...
So luckily, it barely fits my middle finger (the smallest ring size is 3 lo, cham liao la, am i going to custom made my wedding band huh?!!!) a little loose but ... you know me ...
SO.....
This is how i got my engagement ring!

this morning just confirmed that no single breathing soul around me understand how tremendous me stress is.not my close friends, my family nor my husband-to-be. So i break down and cry.

their so call well meant decision only add on to my burden. maybe i should tell them to stop adding their 2 cents of worth.

why do they always want me to be sensible and think of others???no one is getting it right that, I am getting married. It is MY wedding.Why do i have to listen and do it their way even in this?Why are they forcing me, me getting married seems so insignificant to anyone.me getting married is to improve the situation now and be less pain in the ass.

I have the bazaar notion that if any one,ANYONE, tell me wat to do.I kill myself right in front of them.

seems like i still cannot make up me mind or rather clear my tots...
i'm trying like hell to mgt my portfolio in work, trying very hard to make sure i hit target b4 financial closin end march.
i'm also determine to finalised my weddin location b4 end of this month.
i have more or less decide on my sisters-to-be, will have to forgo some pples...
trying to come to terms with whole lotsa of things...

met hilda for dinner, feels good to have someone to talk to...
to know that some pple out there are also havin problems with their life...
HAha...
im not crazy...only makes me more human...
i have problem falling asleep and sleepin proper... been sleepin in fits....
dark rings are gettin darker... so scary...

wanted to do some exercise, maybe go back to yogo or some thing...
been havin stiff neck and shoulder ache since i start work in ST.

haiz... boring....